12/31/23 - Machines Out, Wetware In (and other 2024 predictions)
spare me
Prepping for a pitch, a team of creatives is yoked with the unhelpful and colossal ask of making the campaign slash product youth-relevant. An excruciating ideation process ensues, as they cram a glossary of allegedly Zoomer colloquialisms into rough taglines—never mind that most contemporary slang is rooted in queer POC culture, and is vulgar on purpose. Agency is not allowed to say that the commodity is giving cunt. Whether the client says yes or no doesn’t matter that much—the job order trips over its two left feet, and we grow older.
Much more fascinating are cultural predictions—off the cuff takes that the oracularly online like to post in the form of notes app screenshots. Forecasts such as “frogs/mushrooms/possums out” and “the porn addicted son of the billionaire on the submersible is arrested” are so severely addled with digital hallucinogen that they can only come from somebody with actual psychic access to what make the youth go oh shit fr?? In a death-ravaged, post-dril world, anyone may receive the gift of Apollo, as long as they are adequately unserious.
It bears mentioning that AI can’t do this. Give a machine enough processing power and it’ll arrive at something halfway reasonable, but we are, each of us, the accumulated craziness of the billion-strong lineage of monkeys before us, and we’re all on typewriters. That’s how Shakespeare happened at all. That’s the human touch.
It has been a bewildering year, and these are my predictions for 2024. Some of these are amateur trend-forecasting, others are purely vibes-based. This is how we ought to play the game.
2020 Neurosis: The Sequel
2023 revenge travel + increased risk and sickness + the lung-fucking bug of the holiday season + possibly, a new natural disaster, which originates from a heavy polluter conflict (say, a war, the IDF committing genocide, the horror mines of Congo) set to aggravate exposed systemic vulnerabilities + of course, bad governance. This might equal quarantine part 2 and stricter travel restrictions, but will surely knock down the domino of increased mass psychosis if it hasn’t already. Fighting must continue. New coping tactics will emerge.
New Developments in Esotericism
Those currently practicing tarot reading, ritual sage-burning, moon-worshipping, etcetera will make new hex-related breakthroughs, or update old tome-bound magicks for modern times. Demon-conjuring has fallen out of fashion. Sam Smith and Doja Cat made the devil lame, and Lil Nas X was the last time an honest to God hellion got it right, all the way back in 2021. A more vogue fascination with angelology will shape these new spells. The ophanim A.K.A. the burning wheels with eyes are having a moment right now—perhaps we’ll see an interest in tetramorphs, or swing the opposite way and bring back winged baby-head cupids, or rocaille Sonny Angels that piss into fountains.
Monster of 2024
Hags, baby! It’s all about Hags! Searching for answers, a period of unrest will cycle through the Triple Goddess. Maiden and Mother duties are never done, but now is the time of the Crone. Auntie Ethel would have words.
Next band to get a moment on TikTok
A Perfect Circle. Walk with me here. “Duvet” by bôa and “Youngest Daughter” by Superheaven transpose this generation’s malaise to an alt rock frequency. APC, which has always sat at the weird nexus of alt, post-grunge, and nu metal, is primed to revive. “3 Libras,” “Weak and Powerless", or “Pet” might walk again in the 32-bit grey sun. This will exhume the SA allegation made against Maynard James Keenan in 2018.
A growing, wry disinterest towards hostile/antagonizing hosts and interview styles
Ziwe, Bobbi Althoff, Eric André—couldn’t get into it, don’t care for it. The talk show host as an outrageous entity is an unamusing bit. An interesting counterpoint to this trend is Dropout TV’s “Very Important People” hosted by Vic Michaelis, where Michaelis is the one thrown for a loop by weird creatures. To me, it’s much more amusing when a dying avatar of cable television plays bewildered casualty, than cling to relevance by feigning irreverence. To the bit’s credit, it’s more artistically interesting than the canned execution of Vogue’s 73 Questions.
More of those things that show before a movie that tell the audience to turn off their fucking phone
Do people not know you’re not supposed to use your phone during the movie? AITA?????? *Subway Surfers clip*
Menswear??? IDK
Y2K has been fun, truly. How I’ve missed rocking a fucking wallet chain at my hip like a cretin. But we can leave cybersigilist henna flames to aespa. I predict a hunt for lost J.Crew sweaters (this is kind of happening already), and men’s grooming shills hyperfixating on combs. All those “This video is brought to you by Keeps!” ads are about to pay the hell off.
Mass exodus of artists getting out of Spotify
When CEO Daniel Ek’s investments in AI defense tech gets further cutting coverage, pieces will move the needle. This will not be enough to tank Spotify. Bandcamp did a ton of lay-offs and people are still thinking emoji about Apple Music (it’s been recommended to me), so during this period of growing pains, listeners both old and young will have to reacquaint themselves with buying music physically. CD’s and shit. Brick and mortar. I really should unsubscribe from the app, the price hike was something, I don’t know if that matters. The military industrial complex shit should matter more. And not for nothing, the year-end Wrapped just wasn’t giving.
(speaking of music!) Olivia Rodrigo
Her stylistic evolution can go two ways! Either: Disney Channel Original Movie power pop, or industrial rock ala Nine Inch Nails.
The marketability of non-AI art and content will improve and thrive
I can’t remember where I read this principle, but to paraphrase: a technology or medium that is pronounced obsolete eventually becomes marketable precisely because of the qualities that deemed it obsolete in the first place. Examples: vinyl records and cassette tapes; chunky keyboards in lieu of touchscreens; the meme-ification of Frutiger Aero and Cybersigilism aesthetics that sprung from a dead-eyed cynicism towards Apple’s septic vision of the future. The campaign of AI art’s most neckbearded proponents is not that it will make art more accessible, though that is the talking point—it is that it will make the human touch obsolete. Sure. That’ll backfire. There will be an increased demand for art and content verifiably made by the messy wetware of human imagination, the organic imprecision of hands. And who will supply it? The techbros? The ones who pushed Paris Hilton and Jimmy Fallon on apes? Spare us. Spare me, dear client, who thinks their next award-winning campaign will be AI-generation-driven and then tells us to draft up the materials. Spare the children who’ve been fed on those weird YouTube videos. The human touch will triumph.
DUNGEONSYNTH IS IN
Dungeonsynth is IN!!!!! This isn’t mine! This prediction is by this Twitter user! I’m so excited to hear dungeonsynth in the club. The prophecy foretells that thou shalt hear dungeonsynth at the club
